Dedicated to Tuesdae becaues I love her so very very much. <3
I hope this makes her smile real big like, because I never want her to feel like she did when she wrote this.
Mucho Love,
Sarah :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I HATE WHO I AM, BUT I CAN'T STOP MYSELF.
I love who you are and I always will, no matter what. <3 :)


I'M UGLY.
You are so beautiful in so many more ways then you think. :)


I'M AWKWARD.
Everyone is awkward in their own special way.
It’s what makes people who they are. :)


I'M SELF-ISH.
You are self-less.
You have helped and supported me countless times.
Remember the Jack fiasco?
Remember how you put little notes of encouragement in my locker?
You said I didn’t need him and you and everyone else would always be there…
And you were right.
You helped me get over it.
You even made me a shirt and gave it to me that day in swimming class when I told you we had broken up(I wore it all day too). The “Ryden Dirty” shirt. I friggen love that shirt.

You GAVE me a ticket to a Panic At The Disco concert. You gave me an amazing once in a lifetime experience. Seriously… I am so blown away at that.
You’ve given me years and years of a friendship that I hope will last a lifetime (your friendship is waaayyy better then a PATD concert by the way. I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING.)
:)


I'M CRUEL.
I have never seen you as cruel and I don’t think anyone ever could with how amazing you are.
You made me stronger
You helped heal my broken heart.

I repeat…you GAVE me a PATD ticket for FREE.
You gave me a once in a lifetime experience which I will forever cherish!!
Would a cruel person do that? I think not!!! :)


I'M VULGAR.
I love your vulgarness!! You always make me laugh and smile even when I feel like shit!! :)


I'M NOT WHO I WANT TO BE AND NOT WHO I PLANNED TO BE.
I love who you are.
If you were any different, you wouldn’t be the Tuesdae I know and love. :)


I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.
That is something I worry about a lot… what to do after school.
Almost every high schooler doesn’t know what they want to do with their life.
That is VERY VERY normal. :)


I'VE BECOME EVERYTHING I HATE.
You are everything I love. :)
<3


I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN ARTIST, BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT EVERYTHING I DO IS MEDIOCRE.
Your art is beautiful and I’ve always been jealous of your writing and art. :)


I AM A FAILURE.
You are not a failure.
You amaze me. :)


I WANT TO BE A WRITER, BUT I KNOW I'M NOT CREATIVE ENOUGH, I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH, I'M NOT ENOUGH.
I’ve always been jealous of how creative and wonderful and original your writing is and how you make it your own and I can tell that you wrote it. :)


EVERYTHING I WRITE IS A MEDIOCRE COPY OF SOMETHING MEDIOCRE.
Your writing is amazing and original. Always has been. Always will be. :)


I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY PURPOUS IS IN LIFE.
Neither do I Tuesdae, neither do I.
But I constantly strive to find it.
I think that’s the point in life… to find your purpose.
And I know that we both will, eventually :)


I'LL NEVER BE ENOUGH
You have always been enough for me.
You can be whoever you want to be.
You can do whatever you want to do.
You are amazing. :)


I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF.
I love you and everything about you and I always will. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever… you get the point. :)


PEOPLE THINK I'M CLEVER, BUT REALLY NOT, I'M JUST PLAGERIZING SOMEONE ELSE'S GENIUS.
You see something, and you use it as a bounce board for an idea you have. An amazing idea that is your own. That is how art is created. All art.
That’s how some of my art is created too. :)


I'M NOT ORIGINAL.
In middle school, I was in awe by your make up and style and how you looked different from everyone else and was proud of it. I always wished I could be as brave as you, to look any way I wanted to, to say whatever I thought and not care what others thought.
Now, I don’t care what they think and I strive to be different.
and I think that’s partly because of you…
so… Thank you. :)


I HATE WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME.
Do what you can to change it for the better.
I’ll help you anyway that you want.
You can be whoever you want to be.
You can make your life what ever you want it to be. :)


I HATE THAT I'VE DONE NOTHING, BUT I HATE MORE THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THAT.
You have done tons of things and you have the power to do what ever you want.
You’re learning to play guitar.
You write amazing stuff.
Your art is so beautiful.
You’re taking psychology which is something you really like.
You're really really smart
You can do whatever you want with your life.
You are amazing. :)


I HATE TO ADMIT HOW SCARED I AM OF CHANGE, SEEING AS HOW BADLY I WANT AND NEED IT.
I’m like that…
I always want change so badly…
But when it comes, I hate it and I let it make my life all topsy-turvy.
Go with the flow.
Don’t let it mess with you.
Change is inevitable. :)


I HATE MYSELF.
I love you and I always will, no matter what.
I cannot express that enough.
I am always here for you. :)


I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF WHEN I WAS TWELVE.
I remember this… I remember you telling me about it in the computer lab at school.
I freaked out. (like seriously… FREAKED OUT)
I cried A LOT.
I couldn’t sleep.
I cannot imagine my life without you.
Never forget how important you are to me and how much I care about you. :)
If you EVER get feelings like that again…call me. Immediately. I don’t care if it’s 2 AM.
I am always here for you 24/7. No matter what.
Even if we got in some huge bitch fight. None of that matters if you’re hurting or if I might lose you.


I WAS BANNED FROM A STORE FOR SHOPLIFTING.
Don’t shoplift. It's bad karma.
If you ever feel the urge to pocket something.
Call Sarah right away.
I’ll be your therapist!!! :D
Fo seriously. :)


I AM A THIEF.
See above.
I love you. :)


I AM A LIAR.
Everyone tells lies.
It is human nature.
Even me… goody two shoes. :)


I'M STUPID.
You are so so so smart, don’t let any dumb ass tell you different.
In Vegas, you fixed my mom’s camera after I was an idiot and dropped it on the cement floor. Hard. You’re really really good at stuff like that. Like REALLY good.
You are really really good at intellectual puzzles and stuff like that. :)


I AM EVERYTHING I AM ASHAMED OF.
You are everything I love, cherish, and admire. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The REAL truth about you, Tuesdae.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE FUNNY.
YOU ARE KIND.
YOU ARE SMART
YOU ARE WONDERFUL.
YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME.
YOU ALWAYS SPEAK YOUR MIND.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING ARTIST.
YOU ARE UNIQUE.
YOU DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.
YOU INSPIRE ME.
YOU AMAZE ME.
YOU ARE A MAJOR PART OF MY LIFE.
YOU ARE ONE OF MY BESTEST CLOSEST FRIENDS AND I HOPE YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.

I hope you realize how much I care about you and how important you are to me and everyone else. I hope you see how much I love you. I don’t know what my life would be like without you. If you were gone… I don’t think you could imagine how sad I would be.
I’m always here for you whenever you need me. Any time 24/7 you can call me to rant or cry or for advice or for help with your psychology homework. Anything.
I never want you to be depressed or anything.
I love you so much! :) <3
You are so very special and amazing
I hope you realize that. :D

Current Location: home
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Prelude Hearts - The Blaqk Year

Title: Killer Queen (Chapter Four)
Authors: Tuesdae & Sarah/</a></b></a>morrisseyislove & </a></b></a>ryden_grr
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Summary: Brendon loves Ryan. The feeling isn't quite mutual.
Disclaimer: We do not own any characters so far. Title belongs to Queen.
Authors' Note: This is our first co-write and the first story Sarah has posted on LJ. Be somewhat gentle. Tuesdae beta'd, blame her for any miss-spellings or anything.


Brendon's POV (Tuesdae) = Black
Ryan's POV (Sarah) = Blue



Sitting at home alone watching America's Next Top Model reruns while eating junk food was not as fun as it used to be. Because I couldn't occasionally text Ryan, telling him who the bitch of whatever cycle of ANTM, currently, Renee.

I could relate to her, kind of. She was a judgmental bitch, sure, but she was also all about her family. Except when she won that necklace and was like, "No, I'm gonna keep it for the memories." Bitch. But still, I am like her in a lot of ways. Like how I messed things up and now I'm the total bitch of the band, despite how Jon and Spencer feel about Ryan at the moment. Now I just want to help.

But I'm just making things worse.

Our next tour was being postponed, and would be postponed until I healed. Only five to seven more weeks to go.


"Ry..." Spencer said gently, obviously seeing I was hurting, "Ryan, you have to tell me what happened."

I sniffled still staring at the floor as I wiped my nose on my sleeve like a little kid.

"Ry," He said after a long pause. He put my arm around me and sat me down the couch, "All he does is cry all day, and he always says your name in his sleep. Now, what happened?"

"We just... got in a fight," I mumbled turning my head the other way.

"That must have been one hell of a fight for him to end up with a broken arm," He said with his arm still around me.

I didn't say anything.

"Ry," He said bring my head up to look him in the eyes, "Did you break his arm?"

That's when I lost it.


I hated just staying inside all day. Everything reminded me of him.

There's the lamp Ryan almost broke during a particularly violent and chaotic practice session.

There's the CD Ryan gave me a few months ago because he thought I'd like it, and he was right.

There's the dent in the wall where Ryan threw me.

I needed to get out, but I was forced to stay here, with my big, honking cast and reality show reruns.


"Oh Spencer," I burst out in tears, falling into his lap, “I didn't mean to hurt him! I could never hurt him on purpose!"

Spencer was very taken aback at this, but did his beast to comfort me as I blubbered like a teenage girl who had lost her first 'love'.
But despite his best efforts, I would not tell him about our "fight" or anything else that had happened that night.

After awhile, I regained my composer as best I could and he left seeing there was nothing else he could do and he probably had to go check on Brendon again.

I was seriously beating myself up over this. I could never hurt anyone intentionally and knowing how badly I had hurt Brendon tore me up inside.


I was face down on the floor, not for any particular reason, but just because I didn't want to be on the couch that Brendon had been in only two days ago.

Two days? Had it really been only two days? It felt so much longer.

Spencer freaked when he found me face down on the floor.

"Oh my God, are you okay? What happened? Did you trip? Do you have a concussion? I'm going to call the doctor," he said quicker than I ever thought possible of him.

"I'm fine. Can't I just lie on the floor?" I asked, while he was already easily pulling me up.

"Not with a broken arm, you can't," he said sternly.

"God, what are you, my mother? Are you going to start chewing up my food for me and regurgitating it back into my mouth?" I said with sarcasm dripping in every syllable.

"I might just have to."

He sighed, sitting me down on the couch.

"I talked to Ryan."


After Spencer had left, I figured I should try to eat something. It didn't go so well. I wasn't hungry at all even though I should have been after two days of not eating anything. I gave up; dumping the cereal I had attempted to eat, down the drain.

I ran my hands through my hair and decided that I desperately needed a shower.

'Fuck showering,' I thought to myself, 'I'm taking a bubble bath.'

I carefully added my favorite bubbles as the tub began filling with hot water.


I already could sense this wasn't leading to something good.

"Oh," I said, "and how is he?"

I tried to keep my voice from shaking and failed. He kept a stoic look on his face.

"I know he did it. Your arm. I want to know why," he said carefully.

I didn't want to tell him.

But you can't keep secrets from Spencer Smith.


I slowly shed my clothes and stepped into the steaming hot water.

I felt my muscles relax as I let the water completely envelope me.

I sighed sinking lower into the bubble-filled tub. I REALLY needed this.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I let my mind drift away.


"What happened?" he pressed on, "tell me what he did? Did you two get into an argument? Tell me what happened, Brendon. I need to know."

"I told him I love him and he doesn't want me, there are you happy now!" I finally burst out yelling.

I started crying. I couldn't help it, holding it in for the past two days, alone, was hell.

He held onto me as my knees gave out from beneath me and held me to his chest. His smell was comforting as I buried my face into his chest, letting his shirt soak up my tears.


Eventually my thoughts drifted to Brendon.

And how he had kissed me.

He really wasn't that bad of a kisser. He was actually quite good.

As I remembered the intimate details of our kiss, my hand found its way to my hardening cock.


I calmed down eventually, the tears stopped flowing and my breath just with the occasionally hiccup.

Spencer stroked my hair gently, helping me calm down much faster than I would have alone.

"He does love you, you know," he said softly. "He was so freaked when he admitted it. He had just about the same reaction you did here. He said he didn't mean to hurt you."

I laughed a bitter laugh.

"You don't have to lie Spin. He made things perfectly obvious when he shoved me," I said sadly.

Spencer looked me right in the eyes, and for a second, I was afraid of what I saw there.


My breath quickened as my hand started to move more rapidly.

I let out a low moan as I teased myself.

Suddenly, I found myself thinking of Brendon as I stroked myself even faster.

Oh, the things he could do to me. I was moaning again, like a cheap whore.

All I could think about was Brendon. Brendon's body. Brendon's kiss.

I could tell that I was close.

I thought of our bodies so close together and our lips locked in a passionate kiss.

And with one last flick of the wrist, I felt my body go rigid as a warm felling spread throughout me.

"Brendon," I moaned as my orgasm racked through me.

I sighed and sank deeper into the bubbles. My world was spinning out of control. I just jacked off to thoughts of my best friend who just admitted his love for me before kissing me. The same best friend that I had shoved into a wall and broken his arm.

But what about Keltie? She's been my girlfriend for so long and I love her... I think.

I didn't think I was gay... but then why was I having these thoughts?

Did I love Brendon like he loved me?


He was kissing me. Spencer. It was strange, his soft, bearded face on mine, but in a nice way. I think I liked it.

But I know that I love Ryan.

Spencer had to have just been trying to comfort me.

I hope.

Tags: brendon urie, panic, panic at the disco, ryan ross, ryan/brendon, ryden
Current Location: Alaska....as always
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws

Title: Killer Queen (Chapter Three)
Authors: Tuesdae & Sarah/</a></b></a>morrisseyislove & </a></b></a>ryden_grr
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Summary: Brendon loves Ryan. The feeling isn't quite mutual.
Disclaimer: We do not own any characters so far. Title belongs to Queen.
Authors' Note: This is our first co-write and the first story Sarah has posted on LJ. Be somewhat gentle. Tuesdae beta'd, blame her for any miss-spellings or anything.

Brendon's POV (Tuesdae) = Black
Ryan's POV (Sarah) = Blue




My eyes suddenly widened in shock as I felt Brendon's lips press against mine.

My mouth had also fallen open slightly just before the kiss, as I was very surprised at the closeness, and he wasted no time in shoving his warm tongue into my mouth.

I felt him drag his tongue over my teeth and gums and flick playfully at my own tongue, as he tried to get me to kiss him back.

I was not feeling playful.

That's when I heard him giggle inside my mouth, obviously enjoying this.

That's when I shoved him.

Hard.

Very hard.

I heard his body hit the wall with a slam, but I didn't stay to watch.
I was already out the door slamming it hard as well.


I heard a sickening crack when Ryan shoved me, knowing he'd broken it, but too shocked feel the pain just yet.

He kissed me back. And he shoved me? I didn't quite understand it.

Confused? Maybe. I didn't have much time before I began to feel the agonizing pain in my arm.

I needed the phone.

I needed Ryan.

I needed him to explain why.

I think I need an ambulance first though.


I was already speeding my way home when I saw the ambulance whiz past my car.
I looked in my rear view mirror and prayed to God that it wouldn't pull up to Brendon's house.

It did.

"FUCK!” I screamed slamming my hand down on the steering wheel in frustration.

I hadn't meant to hurt him. I really hadn't and now this was going to be all my fault.

I knew I should turn around and see if he was okay. I knew I should apologize and see how bad the damage I had done was... but I couldn't.

I couldn't see him and I couldn't talk to him, so I just pressed my foot to the gas peddle and blinked back tears.


I woke up in the hospital a few hours later, my arm feeling like it's on fire.

"Hey man, the nurse said you could press that button right there for morphine if you needed it. Which you probably do. That was a narly fall, Bren," Spencer said sitting at my bedside, flipping through a magazine, not even looking up at me.

I immediately reached for it.

"It's morphine time!" I called softly as I pressed the button.

The morphine gave me hallucinations. I dreamed that I was looking for Ryan in the hospital, trying to escape because it was caving in around us, but he wouldn't leave. He just stayed there, glaring at me from my hospital bed, not daring letting me go near him.

They say your dreams are metaphors for the larger scheme, your life, what have you.

This was a pretty blunt metaphor.


I found my way home eventually with tears streaming down my face.

When I made it to my apartment, I locked the door and covered all the windows. I didn't want to see the outside world for it would remind me of what I had done and what just happened.

I needed to forget.

I needed something to make me forget, something to numb me.

I remembered the left over beer's the guys had left in my fridge from their last party.

I drank them all.

Seven to be exact.

One.
After.
Another.

Now I wasn't a drinker... at all. I hated it... usually.
And I know that there are better ways to deal with issues like these, but those seven beers did just what I wanted them too.

They numbed me.

They put me in a fog.

They helped me forget.


"He was saying his name in his sleep. And I just can't get a hold of him," I heard a voice I recognized as Spencer's.

I couldn't feel anymore. At least not physically. Emotionally, I felt ripped to pieces. The edges where he tore a hole in my heart burned and ached and made me feel like curling up on the couch like a girl on her period and crying.

I hated that he had this affect on me; as much as he could make me happy, he could hurt me so bad, in more ways than one.

"I tried Keltie, she said he went over to Bren's and she hasn't heard from him since," I recognized Jon.

"You don't think..." Spencer started.

"You never know. I just don't know how he could have done it, kid's so small," Jon said.

One of them sighed.

"This is getting ridiculous though," Spencer said. "I have half a mind to go over to his apartment and drag his ass over here."

"But think of it this way, Spin," Jon began, "if he did break Brendon's arm, he would be feeling so guilty right now, or at least, I hope he would."

I didn't want to open my eyes. I knew he did it. Probably not on purpose, but he did.

But I could still forgive him, even if he had murdered a million people. I can't not.





I awoke the next morning with a killer headache.

It felt like I had been beaten in the head all night, someone had put nails in my brain and they were still kicking at them.

I groaned as I heard my side kick beeping at me urgently. I picked it up and flipped through all of my missed calls. I had 30 of them. Most were from Spencer and a few were from Jon and Keltie. I had messages from them too, but I couldn't handle that now with my massive headache and the even worse ache of what I had done to Brendon.

I pulled the covers back over my head and I cried for the rest of the day.


The day passed without much incident. The occasional "It's morphine time!" but the pain was becoming more and more bearable. My body was adjusting to the level of pain in my arm. Though, my mind wasn't getting much used to the pain Ryan had left, pushing down on me, weighing heavy on my conscience. I made him do this, I forced him to this. Hell, if I had been in his position, straight, with my gay best friend who just confessed he was in love with me, and was kissing me, I would have pushed his ass off me and bolted off to God knows where too.

It didn't mean I didn't miss him or want him just in the same room with me so I could apologize.

All the dreams I had that day and night were full of Ryan.


I woke up to a loud banging on my door. My hangover was gone, but now my head hurt from all of the crying I had done last night.

I stumbled over to the door, wiping the dried tears off my face and the sleep from my eyes.

"What?" I said groggily as I opened the door.

Suddenly I had a very angry Spencer in my face shoving his way inside.

"What the FUCK is your problem!"

He was as close as Brendon had gotten before... you know.
But I had a feeling he wasn't in the mood for making out.

"W-What?" I stuttered as my brain was still lagging. "What are you talking about?"

"Hmm Ry... let me think."

He sounded like he was about to explode.

"You go over to Brendon's and his arm MYSTERIOUSLY gets broken in three places, he won't tell anyone what happened except that he 'fell'."

He rolled his eyes adding air quotes to the word 'fell'. He took no hesitation in backing me up starting up again, "And the YOU," he points his finger harshly at me while giving me a death glare, "disappear for TWO days! TWO WHOLE DAYS!!! And no sees you or hears from you and you won't answer your fucking phone...." he trails off.

He sighed backing off a bit, "Ryan, just tell me what happened."


They were letting me leave today. Which was a relief, I didn't have to be in that awful white, bleachy death house anymore.

Spencer had left, and I could guess why, so Jon dropped me off at home.

"You need anything, just call, okay?" he told me while helping me out of the car.

I did need something, someone. But I doubted that he could bring me him.


I looked down at my feet and bit my lip as I tried to fight the tears that threatened to take me over again.

"I... I," I felt my chest tighten as I struggled to find the right words, "I can't... I can't tell you Spence," I sighed.

"WHAT?" He screamed threatening to explode again.

"I just can't..." I whispered in a barely audible tone. I felt a single tear fall down my cheek

And it was true I don't think I could tell yet. I didn't want to relive the shock and the anger. But most of all I didn't want to relive the pain and realization that I had hurt Brendon, physically and emotionally. I wasn't ready to talk about this... to anyone.

Tags: brendon urie, panic, panic at the disco, ryan ross, ryan/brendon, ryden
Current Location: Alaska....as always
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Newport living by Cute Is What We Aim For

Title: Killer Queen (Chapter Two)
Authors: Tuesdae & Sarah/</a></b></a>morrisseyislove & </a></b></a>ryden_grr
Rating: PG/PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Summary: Brendon loves Ryan. The feeling isn't quite mutual.
Disclaimer: We do not own any characters so far. Title belongs to Queen.
Authors' Note: This is our first co-write and the first story Sarah has posted on LJ. Be somewhat gentle. Tuesdae beta'd, blame her for any miss-spellings or anything.



Brendon's POV (Tuesdae) = Black
Ryan's POV (Sarah) = Blue



Ever since the car ride to the concert, something had been bugging me and I couldn't get it off my mind.

Why would Brendon care about Ryden or any of those slash fans?

I didn't think he was gay. I mean he's had plenty of girlfriends.
But the thing that really bugged me was if he liked me?
The way tears came to his eyes at my attack at "Ryden" was just... confusing.

"What's bugging you, Ry?" I heard Keltie sigh.

We had been hanging in her apartment for a while and she must have noticed my unusual quietness.

"I dunno..." I mumbled in return looking up at my girlfriend, "Brendon’s just been acting funny and it's been bugging me."

"Well... then go talk to him about it."

I hadn't thought of that.

"Now?" I ask.

"When else?" she shrugged.

I pick up my phone and dialed his number. I was hoping I could go hang at his house and figure everything out.


I munched on another salty-goodness, extremely fattening chip, curled up with Harold the Dinosaur watching cycle six of America's Next Top Model when my Sidekick buzzed.

"City Morgue, you slash 'em, we stash 'em," I answered while watching Jade be a total bitch.


"Um, hey Bren," I muttered nervously into the phone, "I was wondering if I could come over and we could hang out and talk and stuff..." I trailed off.

I don't know why I'm suddenly so nervous about this. I mean I'm just talking to him. Just a chat. A friendly chat between friends. I shouldn't be nervous, he's only like my closest friend. And he probably doesn’t even like me like that! I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding!

...

GODDAMMIT!!! Why am I so NERVOUS!?


"Yeah dude, anytime. You don't need to call, it's not like I was off masturbating in the woods or something. I'll see you in a few, okay?" I said somewhat worried.

I was kind of confused by the tone of his voice. Like he was coming to say something he was scared to tell me.

But that's Ryan. He gets nervous for no reason sometimes. Anxiety problems. He probably has just been stressed out because of the touring and everything and has been bottling and needs a shoulder to cry on.


"Yeah... thanks Bren," I said feeling somewhat relieved, "I'm on my way."

I grabbed my keys and gave Keltie quick kiss as my made my way out of the apartment.

I let my thoughts wander as I drove, but they didn't wander far.

There was no need to be nervous.
It was going to be fine. Brendon's just usually overly affectionate, always invading someone’s personal space (usually it was mine though).
He probably took pride in people writing about him. I'm sure he just liked all of the attention and wanted me to laugh with him about it or something. I'm sure that was all. I hope that was all...

I bit my lip slightly as I knocked on his door.

I suddenly felt a bit nervous again, but thankfully not as much as I had when I was on the phone with him.


I bolted for the door, a sudden burst of adrenaline hitting me, heart already pounding in my chest when I pictured Ryan's face in my head, but as always, he's so much more beautiful in person than the way I remember him.

I opened the door, a casually dressed Ryan standing, waiting for me.

My heart skipped a beat.

"Hey Ry, come on in," I smiled.


I looked up and smiled in return, "Hey Bren."

I stepped inside and plopped myself down on the couch. I was feeling much more relaxed now. Brendon did that to me. He could always put me at ease and make me smile no matter how I had been feeling.

I picked up the extremely salty chips he had been eating, stretching out and totally taking over the couch, making myself very at home.


I snatched away my bag as he shoveled in a handful and sent him a playful glare.

"I've only got one of those, you know, like how you've only got one nad," I chuckled as I called how during a rambling when he had gotten high once with Joe, he mentioned how he only had one ball, and afterward, how all of us teased him for it.

He threw one of my couch cushions at me.


"I DO NOT!!!" I shouted at him somewhat playfully as the cushion hit him in the chest. It caught him off guard and he lost his balance. He landed on his back with an audible 'oomph'

"Ha!" I exclaimed in victory grabbing the fallen bag of chips and shoving another handful into my mouth.

Soon recovered from his fall, Brendon made another mad swipe at the chips. I let him have them. My mouth was starting to feel funny from all of the excess salt and grease.

I watched as he rolled up the bag and stashed it somewhere in the kitchen.


"Lying doesn't go well with you, Ryan," I called, hoping not to have another cushion hurled at me.

There were no more cushions.

"So," I plopped down next to him, "what did you want to talk about?"


Oh.

It hit me like a sudden slap in the face. I had been so wrapped up in Brendon I had forgotten about that chat. I felt my stomach practically drop and my breathing quicken a bit.

"Oh that," I could feel my face suddenly go beet red as I stared at my feet.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable sitting so close to him asking what I was about to ask, so I stood up and found myself pacing... and rambling.

"Well ever since that car ride to our last concert this thing has been bugging me. I mean why would you care about any of those slash or Ryden fans? It's not like any of that is really true. And what was really confusing was the way you almost started to cry. I mean I'm pretty sure you're not gay cause you've had all of those girlfriends like Audrey and stuff, but I'm not like completely sure about that cause only you could be, ya know? And now I'm like super confused and I guess all I really wanna know is what was bugging you so bad that day in the car..."

Breath Ryan!! Breathe!! I hadn't realized how fast I had been talking. I hope I had gotten out everything I wanted to say but I couldn't be sure.

I looked up from the floor, which I had been staring at through my entire speech, to find Brendon standing very close to me.


I couldn't help it as I walked closer and closer to him.

"Ryan, I've had one girlfriend when I was seventeen. Have you ever seen me with a girlfriend since Audrey? As for the slashers, I don't care about them. But I can't help how I feel. And I've felt for you for a long time," my voice losing volume with each word, with every inch I get closer to him.

With every inch, till my lips move against him.

Tags: brendon urie, panic, panic at the disco, ryan ross, ryan/brendon, ryden
Current Location: Alaska
Current Music: That Green Gentleman by PATD

This is a Ryden co-write by Tuesdae and me.

more posts on our joint account: tue_sarah_dae

Brendon's POV (Tuesdae)= Black          Tuesdae = morriseyislove
Ryan's POV (Sarah)= Blue                        Sarah = ryden_grr



I haven't gotten laid in about a year. Depressing? It is.
 
I don't mean to be a celebate. It just happened. And it's all because of Ryan Ross.
 
I admit it, at least to you, stranger, that I am in love with my best friend, the already mentioned Ryan Ross.
 
He doesn't know it. No one knows it. Except you and me. And I can't stand it.


I began to search the hotel we were staying at for Brendon.

We had been touring so much lately that I wasn't exactly sure what town we were even in, but I still needed to find him.

Our concert was in an hour and we needed to get into make up and do a few dry runs on stage, which would be kind of difficult with out our lead singer.

I slid the extra key card I had to his room into the door. I pulled it open as I heard the lock click out of place. I poked my head inside and looked around.

"Bren?" I said when I didn't see him.

No response

I stepped inside and searched the rest of his room quickly. Just as I was about to leave I spotted him sitting out on the fire escape.

I noticed he was sitting with his laptop, deep in thought.

"Bren?" I said wrenching him from his thoughts. His head snapped up and looked at me. "We need to get going. Our concert starts soon."


"Uh, yeah dude, just let me get on some shoes," I smiled, which he did in return, following me out into my room.
 
I had my back to him, which was good, as my face fell back into it's normal stance as I let out a sigh of relief, though, I'm not quite sure if it was because someone had pulled me from my thoughts or because it was Ryan, here in my room, and whenever I saw him I felt a flutter in my heart. I'd rather not think about it, so I pull on my shoes and pull on a happy face.
 
"C'mon RyRo. Let's go rock their minor, crazy, fag-hag socks off."


"Fag-hag socks? Really dude, you are such a dork," I laughed

"Aww, but you know you love it Ry!" he replied, shaking his ass playfully at me causing me to laugh a bit more.

"Oh, will you just hurry up, you slow poke!?" I giggled as I shoved him playfully toward the door. "We're going to be late"

I loved how he could always make me laugh, even on my worst days.


"Liiiiiees," I said with a laugh.
 
Another thing I loved about Ryan, as much as thinking about him made me sad, I loved to be around. He carried an air around him that could make me smile on my most dreadful of days.
 
We got into the car waiting for us outside without a hitch, seeing as any real Panic At The Disco fan would be at the venue by now. The car ride was pretty much silent, which was a bad thing, because it caused me to go to more depressing thoughts. So, what's the harm in striking up some conversation?
 
"How many slash fans do you think there are going to be in the audience? And how many are Ryden fans?"


"Eh. I dunno," said in a bored voice as i fiddled with my cell phone, "I don't really care either. It's all just some stupid fantasy that'll never happen."
 
"And Ryden," I said, "Is just plain creepy. Really, combining our names and writing about us having sex and making out together.....It's just weird."
 
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and sighed. I did love Brendon, but not like that. He was one of my best friends and I had never really thought about him that way.


I can't deny that that didn't sting, but it's true. He's straight, he has a girlfriend, and I'm just the best friend, who's a guy. It didn't matter if I wanted more. It just wasn't going to happen and Ryan just confirmed that.
 
I didn't dare say anything else about it, for self-preservation.


Brendon went suddenly quiet which wasn't like him at all. He shifted uncomferatably in his seat as he stared out the window.
 
"Why does it matter any ways?" I said as I crossed my legs, trying to bring some conversation back into the car. "It's kind of disgusting."
 
"Yea." he muttered quietly while drawing little circles on his knee with his finger. Thats when I noticed there were slight tears in his eyes and I decided to shut up about the subject.
 
But why would he care either? He wasn't gay. He didn't like me like that.......did he?

Tags: panic, panic at the disco, ryan/brendon, ryden
Current Location: Alaska
Current Mood: mischievous
Current Music: Panic at the Disco